Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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