So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
