so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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