i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
