note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
