very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
