I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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