I think I died a long time ago.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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