My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
