apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
