Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
