There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
