you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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