I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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