I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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