i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
