I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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