too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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