btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
