If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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