The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
