Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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