remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
