I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
