The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
