sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
