Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
