I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
