he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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