saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
