people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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