you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
