wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
