Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
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