If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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