if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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