Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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