hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
