id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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