how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You can't special order awesome
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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