areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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