What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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