Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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