I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
