Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
