Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sext me about skeletons
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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