I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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