im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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