were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
