Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
