I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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